How Can I Enjoy Things When She Can’t?

Pat Samples — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 00:25:09 +0000

Sometimes when I’m out doing something fun that I know my sick friend would love to be doing, I feel a mix of guilt and sadness. Today I went canoeing. I know if my friend had been out there with me, she would have been making friends with everyone we passed by and laughing often. In fact I imagined hearing her laughter as I paddled.

I have the same experience with another person I take care of. She loves to go outside walking — with her crutches. Though she has MS, she wants to stay as strong as possible so she prefers crutches to a motorized wheelchair. She wants to be able to keep moving too, so she walks whenever possible. But this year she’s had many health difficulties that have kept her confined, and the wicked weather we’ve had this year hasn’t made it easy for her to get out even when she feels well enough.

Anytime I want, weather permitting, I can go for a walk or a bike ride. I’m glad, and yet I am often aware of these women who don’t have the freedom to do these things. I try to stay away from pity. I also know that their restrictions aren’t mine. I can still enjoy my outings. Yet I so wish they could have these pleasures. I’m sure they wish that too.

What I’m learning is that just as they have to learn to accept their circumstances, so do I. The Serenity Prayer, often used in Twelve Step programs, helps me remember how to stay peaceful and guilt-free while caregiving: “God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

On My Knees

Pat Samples — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 18:54:38 +0000

My knees bothered me for much of the past year. Through physical therapy, I learned some exercises and ways of moving that diminished the pain I was feeling. Having the knee pain also caused me to be much more observant about how I walk, climb stairs, squat, etc. I have become an ardent “student” of my knees and related parts – at least for now, and I’ve made some surprising discoveries.

First of all, I realized that when going up and down stairs, I tended to rush. To build speed and momentum, I used just the balls of my foot to touch the stair surface and propel me forward. It worked. It had worked for years. It got me up or down in a hurry.

But it doesn’t work anymore. Taking the stairs on the front part of my feet makes my knees carry more weight than they should, and they complain with pain. Overworking of my knees this way over the years probably contributed to the build-up of the pain.

So I’ve become kinder to my knees. I make every effort to place my whole foot on each step. I have to move more slowly to do that. But then, what’s the rush?

My second discovery came when I was driving the car. Once again, I realized I was using just the balls of my feet to push the pedal, which meant that my knee and lower leg absorbed much of the pressure. Again, this habit probably helped weaken my right knee over time.

So now I’ve been practicing putting more of my foot on the pedal and letting the “push” come all the way from the hip. I initiate the movement from the strong core muscles of my body. By using more of my body, I distribute the pressure beyond the foot.

The third discovery was not entirely a new one. I’ve known for a long time that my “be good” upbringing trained me to walk modestly and carefully, with very little hip movement. This, I believe, also contributed to knee strain. My knees had to work extra hard to pull each side of my body forward, since the hips weren’t able to do their share.

These days I try to be conscious of actively moving my hips with each step. Walking this way does not feel familiar. I feel like I’m learning to walk all over again.

In fact, that’s just what I’m doing. Relearning how to walk with the ease and freedom I had as a young child, before I was trained to tighten my pelvis as a “good girl.” This kind of walking feels freer and more fun as I get used to it. And my knees like it too.

Once again, my body has let me know—this time through knee pain—that something I was doing wasn’t good for me. I think I’ve learned my lessons. Just watch me swing my hips as I go about my day.

Are You in Love with Everything?

Pat Samples — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:08:25 +0000

It’s easier to be in love with everything than with just a few choice things. If I see everything through the eyes of love–I mean the adoring “you can do no wrong” kind of love, then nothing can ruin my day. Everything makes me happy.

This simple concept became clear to me this morning. Every Sunday in a small visioning group I take part in, one question we seek inner guidance on during a period of meditative silence is, “What gift does Spirit have for me this week?” I like this question. I’ve gotten answers ranging from “heart opening” to “laziness” (the latter came at a time when I was much too busy and needed to take a breather).

The answer that came to me this morning was, “Everything.” I was quickly overtaken by a great sense of joy. I saw everything as a precious and magnanimous gift from the Creator-universe-life. Even the “hardest” things are a gift. They’re a part of what life has created. They may ask a lot of me (is that so bad?) and they also give me a lot.

There is an old expression, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” I’ve had that experience after having an injury to my hand. When I couldn’t use it for a while, I really came to appreciate what I taken for granted–to love my hand. I was thrilled when I was able to use it again and happy that my body had the capacity to heal.

Imagine everything in your life taken away from you for a long time and then getting it all back. Might you love everything? Try it and see.

Strong Women Share Stories

Pat Samples — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 16:06:06 +0000

I recently received an email from a woman named Mary that reminded me how heavy the load is for so many caregivers and what commitment and strength it takes to give and give and give:

“Hi Pat,

I received the book I think on Friday. Thank you so much for mailing it to me.

When I met you, one of my brothers was in the hospital in Omaha and so many things that you said pertained to my HD [Huntington's Disease] husband but also to my brother. Then my other brother went into the hospital with what he thought was a bad cough and trouble swallowing. Unfortunately he has lung cancer, lymph nodes between his lungs are affected and we’re waiting to hear if he has pancreatic cancer.

I carry your book Comfort and Be comforted with me and as my family said things I found things to read. Next weekend I will visit my other brother who is still in the hospital in Omaha and will carry “my book” with me.

Thank you for the help you didn’t know that you were giving. HD is first and foremost in my life but my brothers are so important to me. Now I deal with HD, Congestive Heart Failure and Cancer in three very important men in my life. I am so grateful that my two sons are healthy. I read, take anti-depressants and see a Therapist. You are a strong woman and you have passed that onto me.”

Though Mary calls me strong, it is clear she is remarkably strong herself. I know I gained strength from her words, and I am glad that my stories and words of encouragement added to her strength. This is how we stay strong–by sharing our stories, our commitment, and words of encouragement.

Tell your story and offer encouraging words to someone today to give them hope and strength. To strengthen yourself, ask someone to tell you how they found strength when they felt they had very little. Or read from an inspiring book. Let the power of stories support you.

Is Your Illness a Big “Drama” or a Drama Stopper?

Pat Samples — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 18:27:51 +0000

A reader of Body Odyssey: Lessons from the Bones and Belly wrote this week that a friend gave her the book three years ago “when I was laid up for 65 days with a herniated disc. Good reading and page 192 became my mantra: my illness was a drama for others in my life more than it was for me. I was missing that until I read it in your book. Thanks for sharing yourself in print.”What the reader who wrote to me was referring to was a section that described how everything becomes more simplified and less stressful in a way when our busy lives are on hold because of illness. I wrote what I was lying on the couch sick and that my body felt like “such a blob, a weighted piece of body mass sprawled here on the couch.” I described how relaxed I felt: “No state of vigilant readiness is necessary to respond to what life might demand next.” I added that “this pervasive state of relaxation feels unfamiliar. I cannot work. I cannot do for others. I cannot perform or impress anyone with my knowledge, my words, or my cleverness. I cannot muster my usual hurry up and get things done mode. No effort is possible. No effort is required. No effort is…effortless.”Reflecting back on this experience, I are reminded that although illness often becomes a drama for us or those around us, it doesn’t have to be. If we stay present to our experience, surrendering to the “now” moment, the drama has no stage on which to play out. Illness tends to bring our attention into the present moment, sometimes because of the pain, sometimes because of the lethargic state our body is in. The curtain is drawn shut on all the other “busy” stuff that usually occupies our body and mind. Our daily drama has no energy and no audience. Instead we experience a kind of stillness that’s restful and unrushed.Others around us may get in a dither, creating their own drama. Caregivers often do. But they also can settle into the present moment, doing one thing at a time mindfully, by making less “effort” and exploring more the art of living effortlessly.I’m also reminded that illness often shows up when we’re operating in high-stress mode. Our big dramas wear us down and we become sick. Maybe our bodies just trying to stay STOP creating so much unhealthy drama. We don’t have to wait for illness to stop us though. We can remember that effortless, relaxed state without getting sick. It’s a lot less painful living that way.

Why Try So Hard? Let’s Play Instead

Pat Samples — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:14:00 +0000

What is this thing called stress that seems to plague us?Here’s a simple definition: It’s the feeling we get when we want something we’re not getting. We want to get to an appointment and the traffic is stalled so we know we’ll be late — STRESS! We want our partner to listen to us lovingly and instead we’re getting advice or criticism — STRESS! We have a big dream for our future and we don’t see a way to get there — STRESS!So what do most of us do when we feel stress? We try harder. We try to force our way through the traffic to get somewhere on time. We speak more adamantly or pleadingly, trying to convince our partner to LISTEN! We work really, really hard to get ahead.Doesn’t have to be so hard This trying so hard — well, it’s trying! It’s exhausting. Our bodies feel the effects, and our health suffers — both our mental and physical health.What would happen if, instead of trying so hard, we played instead? What if we decided to have fun with our day, no matter what happens?In my experience, when I decide to go after what I want by having a good time at it, I end up enjoying myself, I’m able to be creative, and my stress level shrinks. My body and mind both feel energized rather than wiped out. Solutions show up more easily, and I am more likely to get what I want. Even if I don’t, I’m having a good time.Waiting and waiting and waiting… Here’s an example. A friend and I were at the airport to catch a red-eye flight. We were stuck in a long line at the airline check-in counter that wasn’t moving, and no one from the airline was giving out any information. Everyone standing in line was getting more and more frustrated and tired. One woman was even crying. Several of us kept trying to find out what was going on, and some people even pushed through the line to get to the counter to demand answers. My friend and I tried hard to be patient. All this “trying” was getting us nowhere.Then I had an idea and my friend joined me. We decided to find a way to have a good time in the midst of these “trying” circumstances. We had been sharing a very funny book aloud on our trip, so we pulled out the book, sat down on the floor and started reading it to each other. We were soon laughing hysterically and feeling quite relaxed.It took almost another hour before the airline started serving the line of people (the flight had been canceled). While we weren’t pleased with the airline and we were tired after the wait, we were in good spirits and could easily handle the necessary arrangements to shift to a different flight.Play, not hard work, is the shortest route to success.I know that sounds a little crazy, but wouldn’t it be worth trying out — especially if going after what you want in your life seems especially hard these days?How do you do this? I’d like to teach you five simple ways to turn your “work” into play. By work I mean anything in your life that feels like it’s wearing you out because it’s hard.Free teleseminar August 20 Want to play more and fret less? Join me for a free teleseminar on August 20 called Five Ways To Play When Everything Seems Like Work. Check out the details here. Nothing hard about it!

Smile While You Can

Pat Samples — Sun, 18 May 2008 19:30:52 +0000

I had a TIA (also called a mini-stroke) last month. My mind suddenly was not able to track information, and I was unable to move my limbs or speak as I usually can. It was a very odd sensation to attempt to reach for the phone and not have my hands move into action. And I was alarmed when the sounds that came out of my mouth were nothing like what was on my mind. As odd and frightening as all this was — fortunately it only lasted about an hour — what seemed the strangest was when the ER doctor would ask me if I could smile — and I couldn’t. How could this be possible, I wondered. How could I not have the ability to smile?Since that day, I’ve been steeped in gratitude that I recovered quickly from the TIA and have no residual effects. I’ve also reflected quite a bit on the experience of losing abilities I take for granted. I normally expect to move and speak. I normally expect to smile at will. I’ve been wondering what my life would be like if could never smile again. Hard to imagine! Glad it’s not the case.Today, because of this experience, I appreciate the ability to smile in a way I never did before. In fact, I’m choosing to smile more often. I have a lot to smile about.What about you? Do you have something to smile about? How about the fact that you can smile?:)

An Amazing Story

Pat Samples — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 05:06:25 +0000

I regularly get emails from people who have found the messages in my books to be life-transforming. One I received this week touched me so much I have to share it with you. Please take a look.

New Book Reveals Secret Wisdom

Pat Samples — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 15:39:53 +0000

Believe it or not, your body is your best friend. It is filled with emotional and spiritual wisdom that can help you feel at ease with yourself, heal what hurts, and unleash your creativity. If you’re a woman, you now have a guide to discovering this wisdom and making friends with your body as you age.My new book, The Secret Wisdom of a Woman’s Body: Freeing Yourself to Live Passionately and Age Fearlessly, is now in bookstores. It has been described as “a treasure – a wisdom book filled with healing tools” and a “wonderful, practical, easy-to-read, and user-friendly tool for women looking to embrace their body.”The book is an inspiring field guide for women of all ages, but especially those in midlife. As changes come with age, it’s easy to get caught up in the fear of aging and the rampant anti-aging mania. Or to convince ourselves we can “stay young.” Secret Wisdom calls for a radical new view of our bodies as marvelous resources that have more to offer as we age. They are vast libraries of our past and present experience worth learning from if we’re willing to become eager students. Secret Wisdom will show you how to hear the stories your body is waiting to tell you.Learn more about Secret Wisdom.

Five Ways to Reduce Stress

Pat Samples — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:00:26 +0000

Your body carries your mental and emotional stress. It also carries the secrets for stress relief. Here are five ways to reveal these secrets and create more ease for yourself when stress is mounting during your day.

1) Loosen your jaw. Whenever you’re stressed, your jaw is probably tense, maybe even clenched. Practice letting your jaw drop open for 30 seconds. Holding it up takes effort. As you stop making this effort, notice if you breathe more deeply and if your stress eases up a little.

2) Feel your feet. Spend a minute or so feeling the size and weight of your feet. Feel the firmness of the floor or ground they’re resting on. Drop your weight (and your worries) into your feet and let the earth support you.

3) Tighten your muscles. Instead of relaxing your muscles, try tightening them. Tighten and hold that tightness until your muscles beg to relax. In a short while, they’ll do it naturally.

4) Get in balance. Stand and let your body sway for 30 seconds or so until you feel it settle into an easy, balanced stance. If your body is balanced, your mental state will follow.

5) Do belly breathing. Relax your chest and notice your belly rising and falling as you breathe.

Use these five ways to be kind to your body. Your body is always ready to help you out if you give it friendly attention.